I am not a person

I am not a person,
I’m 10 gerbils in a dress.
And although we’re very careful
We do sometimes make a mess
But we’ll give you forehead kisses
If you’re feeling any stress
Oh, I am not a person,
I’m 10 gerbils in a dress
– Kate

I am not a person,
I’m two very silky cats.
We like brushing out our hair
and watching reruns of All That.
We pay for our own kibble
filming ASMR at the laundromat.
For I am not a person,
I’m two very silky cats.
– Mer

I am not a person
i am two stoats in some sweats
and though we’re often lost
we’re never here to fret
we like beer and we like fire,
we’re kind of a hot mess
because I am not a person
I’m two stoats in some sweats
– Bears

I am not a person,
Just a horny little guy
And I hope you feel no disrespect
When I give you the eye
I will flirt with you and all your friends –
At least I’m gonna try
But I’m not trying to scare you
I’m just a horny little guy
– Kate

I am not a person
Just a pile of sad cells
We seem mostly put together
But we are living in hell
We try to work together
But we don’t really gel
Cause I am not a person
Just a pile of sad cells
– Tim

I am not a person
I’m an empty fucking shell
I don’t know where it all went wrong
But nothing in here dwells
I think I hide it carefully
But everyone can tell
I am not a person
I’m an empty fucking shell
– Brad

I am not a person
I am teardrops in the rain
I’ve seen attack ships at Tannhauser
I cannot quite feel pain
When I am dead and gone will all these memories remain?
You deny that I’m a person
I am teardrops in the rain.
– Brad

I am not a person
I’m two beavers wearing thongs
We see ourselves as engineers
But we’d be fucking wrong
Our work is all unpermited
Our PPE is gone
Cause I am not a person
I’m two beavers wearing thongs
– Tim

I am not a person
I’m a duck inside a truck
I don’t know how I got here
But it seems that I am stuck
This heap is leaking fluids
And the clutch is double-fucked
For I am not a person
I’m a duck inside a truck
– Brad

I am not a person
I’m a grizzlie in a towel
Please don’t take it personallie
if everie word’s a growl
I’m trying to be honest,
that’s my face and not a scowl,
but I am not a person
I’m a grizzlie in a towel
– Bear

I am not a person
I’m a-mouldering in my grave
Virginians hung me just because I sought to free the slave
I felt my words were not enough
I switched to my grenades
Now I am not a person
I’m a-mouldering in my grave
-Brad

I am not a person
I’m some paperwork in jeans
and yes I read your email
but I’m not sure what it means.
I write care plans and make phone calls,
I document vaccines,
because I am not a person
I’m some paperwork in jeans
-Bear

I am not a person,
I’m a walrus wearing shades
I think I’m quite convincing,
but the tusks give me away
I have to take my leave now
I’m afraid I cannot stay
For I am not a person
I’m a walrus wearing shades
– Kate

I am not a person
I am made of pure caffeine.
My adrenaline is spiking.
I am chasing dopamine.
I swear I’m trying to calm my tits
before this gets obscene
But I am not a person
I am made of pure caffeine.
-Kate

I am not a person,
but I see why you’re confused.
I cannot tell you what I am,
though you would be amused
Sadly, if I tell you, then a contest I would lose
Just know, I’m not a person,
but I see why you’re confused.
– Kate

I am not a person,
I’m a contemplative sweater.
And I swear that once I sort my thoughts
My rhyming will be better.
It’s hard, you see, to be laundry,
And to also sound so clever.
‘Cause I am not a person,
But a contemplative sweater.
– Mer

I am not a person
I’m a waffle on a plate
I soaked in so much syrup
That I’m in a soggy state
I should have stopped and ate a meal
But now I’m stuck at Tait
Cause I am not a person
I’m a waffle on a plate
-Tim

I am not a person
I’m a sleepie group of newts
we’re mostlie up for anything,
we think that we’re a hoot,
but we don’t stay out late
so we’ve reallie gotta scoot.
I am not a person
I’m a sleepie group of newts
-Bear

The Tower

I’m reading the Witching Year by Diana Helmuth. I’m liking it. It has what i like in a witchie book , which is parts that resonate and parts that don’t, but nothing that feels… well … cringe.

She is (or seems to be) an intelligent young woman who likes books, writing, hiking… all things I can get behind. We both hate scarie movies, although her hatred is a bit stronger than mine.

There’s loads of quotable stuff and im6 sending the best ones to my friends. Its nice.

I’ve just reached the part where a friend is reading her tarot and her first pull is The Tower and she tells her friend it’s the worst card and I am… shocked?

See… The Tower is my card. not like the card i pull the most… (eff you justice), but the card i love the best. In my deck it’s a tall evergreen in flames. And it’s beautiful.

The dark tree, the bright flames, and maybe its the fire sign in me but i never thought of it as bad. Exciting… surprising… challenging, but those are all words I am here for.

But as she describes it I can see it. The way change is painful. The way shedding something might hurt, but i still feel that love for my card. Secure in the knowledge that that new skin will feel so joyful.

The problem with words

I struggle with communication. I know I’m not alone in this, but at the same time it often feels like I struggle so much more than most of the people I encounter. I say the wrong thing. Like a lot. I often fail to understand why it was the wrong thing, and franklie, getting someone you just upset to explain to you why they’re upset with your words is often hard.

I also struggle when people use words that don’t have clear definitions. The word that inspired this post… deserve. I’m listening to a podcast. And I’ll start off by saying that I agree with the… thrust, overview, general contents. I struggled when the sentence “Don’t I deserve love?” was talked about.

A. Deserve? like love is a right? an obligation? What even do we DESERVE? No one is just good stuff. We have all done shittie things. Do we deserve punishment? Joy? Do we deserve anything? (I just said the word deserve so much I’m struggling with it’s verie existence. So I’m going to go google the definition real quick.) “having qualities making one worthy of X”

But B. LOVE. What the fuck is love anyway. By most definitions it isn’t based on a qualitie and that would make it something you CAN’T deserve. But also what do you MEAN by love? Do you mean basic respect? Do you mean physical and emotional care?

So like deserve love? Probably not? I could maybe make a case that all humans deserve to be treated as if they have value. and maybe that’s love? But it’s not the kind of love I think people mean.

Anyways. We went on a real hike there, but I struggle with other words as well. My husband often uses the phrase, “You’re arguing semantics” and like yes. I am. How do I know what you mean if you can’t define the words for me?

I often tell my friends that the super power I want is telepathy. On the theory that I would no longer stuggle so much with communication. Frequent beating to death of this cow (horse?) means that we’ve agreed that the telepathy is the kind where I can know what someone is thinking, 100%, even if they do not 100% know what they are thinking. They tell me that I do not want this sooper power (on the basis that knowing what other people are thinking is just going to get you hurt)

I have had one friend tell me that i would just be using it to manipulate people and that’s wrong. And they’re maybe not wrong, but that also implies that ALL manipulation is wrong, but communication skills ARE manipulation. And some people are just BETTER at it. Do they DESERVE the abilitie to manipulate people? Why do I not deserve it?

And you can learn communication skills. I’ve been at it for a couple decades in my spare time. Not as a focused learning goal, which would probably help, but just occasionallie. I still suck at it. I still struggle with complex conversations with my spouse, who is the person i talk to the most in my life and have had the most opportunitie to get right.

If I’m messing up this much with someone who knows me, how much am I messing up with others? And you can’t always tell. Research tell you there’s a thing called a liking gap. where people actuallie like you much more than you think they do, but also all data is a curve and SOMEONE has to be at the end of the curve… right? I don’t know.

I do wish there was a life hack for it though.

Rules

Sometimes you are lying awake running through all the lists that make you a dutiful productive human and you realize that you’ve made so manie rules so you fit in that you might not be yourself.

And you know about masking, because you’re a well read DAVE haver. But how do you know what bits aree worth keeping? You’ve put a lot of effort into being functional. But maybe you took the fun out of functional.

Maybe you aren’t doing the things that make you feel joyful because they aren’t what people do. How do you find out? Can you do both?

Brain Dumping

There’s this thing called “Brain Dumping” which sounds hideouslie unglamorous and is supposed to cure a range of ills. Like a fecal transplant for your brain.

And i try it sometimes, because I am an earlie adopter of any and all things that claim to fix my brain. You get paper and you write down the shit ping ponging around your head so it can get to the sooper important work of rendering you unconscious.

Except its foolish to believe we even KNOW what’s zipping through our synapses. The things that keep me up are never things like “remember to mate the socks” or “Finn’s birthday party is this weekend” i have that written down alreadie. With reminders.

What gets me is thinking about how you fall asleep. Then i think about brain dumping which is apparentlie one of those things I learned by osmosis and actuallie know zero facts about.

And then I worrie about other topics i think I know about and don’t. Timmie’s breathing helps. Possiblie it grounds me? Oh look another word i have onlie a vague definition of.

And then I think about my body. I contemplate doing that yoga class item where you relax all the bits individuallie, but it feels weird and stressful to TRY and relax. And I tell myself that I WILL fall asleep. I always do.

Im a bit of a maniac about sleep hygiene. And this is why. A tendencie towards night owl hood, a severelie poor relationship with time and an inabilitie to just turn down the volume in. my brain, means that if i don’t go to bed on time with my careful routine I will fuck it up.

I will stay up till 1 AM. reading and then slowlie list out the things I could get up and do now that everyone is asleep. Play video games. read more. look for water color paper. emptie the cat box. sweep the kitchen. push ups. And why?

I will be exhausted tomorrow. I was exhausted today. I am making life just a bit harder for future me and I do feel bad about it, but not bad enough to just GO TO SLEEP.

A Hero of Lesser Causes

So I’m reading John Green’s review of The World’s Largest Ball of Paint (from The Anthropocene Reviewed… its a book and a podcast. Its excellent, but it makes me cry… I give it four and a half stars) and thinking about genius and its place in the world.

There’s a book I read as a child called A Hero of Lesser Causes. And here and now I know it’s a book about Polio and loss and the value of a human life, but then to that girl it was a book about the ways in which we matter. The ways I might matter.

And in his review he talks about how human achievement is most often a matter of manie humans collaborating.

And I am thinking about the ways in which a single human can be worth more to YOU (read me, i guess… i struggle with writing in the second person, which is apparentlie… no bueno). Hank Green is the CEO of Complexly. Which runs SciShow, Crash Course, The Awesome Coffee Club, The Awesome Sock Club, Healthcare Triage, The Art Assignment… ect.

He does a lot. Its like… his thing. Please see… https://dayssincehankgreenlaststartedanewthing.com/

Anyways. I guess I’m thinking about it because Hank Green is like a super hero of lesser causes. Because I guess is any cause reallie lesser?

Anyways, you’re all freaked because I’m reading John’s book and going on about Hank. So my friend introduced me to Vlogbrothers in 2009, when it was … different. And in my head i have trouble separating them. I don’t think they’d 100% mind. Like I know which one is the author (trick question… its both), but also as John points out in this review of a giant ball of paint… human achievement is collaborative.

Anyways, sometimes it makes me reallie glad to think about this topic. (one of my favorite quotes is about it… i don’t know where i read the quote or even if it properlie attributed in the note taking app i store it in, but…)

Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope

Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith.

Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we must be saved by love.

– Neihbur

Virtue

“The Anthropocene Reviewed” is a book by John Green. It’s also a podcast. I tend to prefer to talk about the essays as read in book form for two reasons. 1. I deal with visual words more easily than the audio version 2. The book makes me cry less.

I do recommend the podcast… or i suppose the audio book… because listening to the essays in John Green’s voice adds a whole other level. Although, this may be true for me because I know John Green. “know”…

not personallie. But Ive watched vlogbrothers since 2009. And then I read his books. And I watched the other YouTube channels that today would probably be (and possiblie are) associated with Complexly (if Complexly had existed then). I listen to “Dear Hank and John”

I know about John Green.

He talks about that in the opening of the book. Anyways. I’m writing about the Dr Pepper essay. He talks about how he’s always felt like he needed a vice. And it got me thinking.

Because I don’t feel that way. I often feel, instead, like I need a virtue. I was lightlie bewildered by this conclusion because I do like myself, but it does sound like I think I don’t have virtues….

Maybe I do think this? At least no standard virtues. Maybe nonstandard virtues. Likes a good time. Believes in humanity. Always in search of a solution.

I don’t know. regardless. Im looking for a good virtue to take up. Patience is right out. Ditto chastity, humilty and temperance.

Diligence is listed, but i would reallie call what I have more properlie Persistence. Diligence implies a level of attention to detail that I don’t feel I can claim.

We’ve got kindness and charity left. I associate charity with a higher income level than i have but it just means giving. and like I do… am? But I wouldn’t call it my virtue.

In the same vein, kindness probablie wont work either. I will have to search further for virtues …

Grace

So I have a lot of flaws. I get angrie. I forget stuff. I have NO concept of time. I am “abrasive” (this got quotes because i’m still not 100% what it means, but when I talk people get upset). But like know thyself means also recognizing what you’re good at. Here’s mine.

I am good at giving people grace. If someone is down on themselves for basicallie any reason I am verie good at articulating why they should be allowed to fail. (and i know it’s maybe not “failure” but that’s how they feel, that’s where the recrimination and name calling comes from) I’m good at this for myself too. Like you’ve clearly fucked up, but you’re sorrie and here’s why it happened and here is what you can do to fix it.

Without anyone specificallie telling me (that I am aware of), I am verie good at having a solutions based notion of failure.

I think about this a lot with regard to my ADHD, but also everything. I often feel that people mess up a thing and then beat themselves up about it so badlie that they have no option but to continue failing OR… even worse… stop trying. And I think about this, with education, with health, with mental health. Like all of life is a learning process and if you have learned that anything less than getting it right first time is unacceptable or hell even onlie getting it right once is just no good. How hard would it be to try new things

There is a book about this. It was a study about medical errors, “To Err is Human: Building a Safer Health System” by Janet Corrigan & Linda Kohn, basicallie saying, “People mess up. Allowing them to admit mistakes and build processes to prevent mistakes can prevent future mistakes. Treating mistakes as personal failures rather than systemic failures tends to lead to more mistakes.

Nuerodivergent people who have a more personal failure view of mistakes often have difficulty setting up systems to prevent future mistakes. A unwillingness to accept that mistakes are built in, that “to err is human”, creates only more failure.

So I guess this is less about what I’m good at then it is about urging you to forgive yourself a bit more. To give yourself grace. To say yes I could do better, but also I am doing my best. And maybe today your best isn’t great, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t your best. You’re only human.

Its that time of day

Your ADHD meds have worn off and your body is all out if doing but now your brain is just UP. So you’re laying there listening to your spouse breathe the joyous rhythm of someone who “just falls asleep” and all you can think about is that Adam Sandler movie “50 First Dates” and you’re a 90s kid so you have capital O Opinions about Adam Sandler movies.

But what you’re wondering is what percentage of people with short term memory loss form relationships AFTER the memory loss starts. And like what’s the ethics involved.

And it’s 2023. I COULD FIND OUT! but if i start that’s just a whole rabbit hole of facts to fall down. So instead I’m writing it down. I’m dumping those thoughts here. So they go away and I can pretend like NOW i will fall asleep.

I forget.

There’s a poem, “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop. It’s about loss. It’s about going on. It’s about pain and strength.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

I was reminded of this poem in the bleakest of ways. It was the chapter markers on the book “All My Rage” by Sabaa Tahir. This book is beautiful yes. You should read it. It is also brutal. In the way that this poem is brutal. It’s everyday. It’s simple. It’s all the more painful for that.

But here is my brain. Which forgets things. In theorie, it isn’t my brains fault… or it is, but not mine? Which is an odd sentence to contemplate. I have ADHD. Something is wrong with my brain that makes it different than “normal” brains. I would like to meet a normal person, because honestlie I don’t know if this is real, maybe everyone’s brain is like mine and some people cope better.

Regardless, I forget. I forget little things, a task I told you I’d do 5 minutes ago on the phone but didn’t write down. The location of my keys and my phone and my wallet. (But so far, knock wood, not all three at once) I forget due dates, and times, the names of people I’ve been introduced to. I forget things I’ve said shortlie after they are said.

BUT. and I think this is important. When I am not home, my spouse can call me and ask about the location of a thing in our house and I can tell him, down to the millimeter. I remember little things about you, your tea preference, your favorite color, your birthday.

But I forget things. Kind of a lot of things. Important things. This is a hard thing to accept about yourself in a modern world that values organized efficient workers. But I do accept it. So I write it down. I write down everything. But there’s things that writing down doesn’t help. I forget that people have died. And then I remember.

It’s a new shock each time. A new ripping pain. Like a wound that won’t heal because i can’t recall long enough to grieve. There’s a Ted Lasso quote that I’m going to paraphrase and ruin… A goldfish is the happiest animal because it has a ten second memory… “Be a goldfish”

But I’m not a goldfish. I will remember, at somepoint, through some internal algorithm, the things I have forgotten. They will hurt me. At some moment in the future I will remember… to start the dishwasher, change the laundry, renew a library book, to bring an after school snack, a promise to go ice skating, the gas bill, a present for a friend, the death of my grandfather.

And it’s hard to say which is worse, the forgetting, or the eventual remembering. It’s like being a goldfish that occasionallie remembers that it is not a goldfish. And maybe goldfish ARE happie, but in that moment of remembrance… who knows.