It’s a long storie, the storie of how I became who I am. Everyone’s storie is long. There’s always lots of characters. And the dialogue isn’t that amazing. But it exists, this storie of how I came to be. The thing is, that it can’t be told. You can only ever see the end.
You are who you are, you haven’t anyone else to be. YOu can’t even be an earlier version of you, because you’re not that person anymore. Granny Weatherwax believes that the phrase “finding yourself” is silly, because who do you think is doing the looking. That’s paraphrased, of course, because all my books are stored in a closet right now and searching out the exact quote would be hard.
But I am who you see me as, and I am who I think I am. We are what we are. There are people who think you can lie and deceive and make people think that you are something else. I think of it like this… I’ve been reading The Kingkiller Chronicles, which if you have time you should pick up. And in the book and in lots of books I read about magic, it talks about how when you take the shape of something you risk becoming it. So if you lie about who and what you are, one day you’ll be the thing you pretended to be.
There’s a good and bad side to this. If I pretend to be outgoing. If I pretend I’m scared of nothing and no one can hurt me, someday it will be true. And wouldn’t that be lovely, to never be hurt?
But it would mean that it was because there was no one important enough, or close enough to hurt you. I’m not saying I want to be hurt, but I’d like to get close enough for you to punch me in the face.
And that’s what friendship is. What a relationship is. It’s a slow advance from looking at someone across a field to getting close enough to beat them over the head. And maybe you get hurt, and maybe you don’t, but you have to take that walk. You have to risk getting beat up for love. Because then you never have to tell that long, long storie, that you forget most of anyway. Because that close to, people will see who you are now. And it will be enough to know that this is the you that exists now. And if you let them be there for the changes for the new things you will become, they be content with the part of the storie that belongs to both of you.
We are who we pretend to be yes this is true, but we are also the people our friends see us as. You are who you are.
And now. The words of others.
Everything I am, all the good, all the bad, the cards and the poetry, the laughter and the understanding, the anger and the violent rage, the apathy and unsympathetic words, will always be together. I have tried to evolve, to change to become better that I might be good but even the Yin has a bit of the good in it and likewise the Yang has a bit of darkness in it. So you see my evil is not so great that it drowns out the light, but my good is not so much that it smothers the dark. I am one and whole, the Yin and the Yang. Good and Evil, Everything. – Spare Change 030904
They say I have a high IQ and that I scored well on my S.A.T.s, it is my genius that I am not smart. They say I have a great body, well built and shapely, it is my allure that I am not beautiful. They have said I was shy, that I talk too much. I have been called a “liar” and it has been said she is “too honest” They have said she is as a child and carries herself so maturely. They have boxed me and bagged me and to each his own slot. Thay have tried to own these parts of me, by passion, or artifice, or some other trickery of the flesh. They do not comprehend; however, that all these things are one. To say that I am pleasant is to ignore my anger. And to deny my deceitfulness is seeing only what I present. When they said she is kind and loyal and well mannered they were wrong only in that they left out that I am also cruel and unreliable and impertinent. I know the truth, that I am what they say, and also that which they ignore. I am more then they percieve. – once again 030927