This has been a rough week. And I haven’t said a word. I wasn’t sure how. My Grandpop died.
And I guess what makes it hard to talk about the sadness is partlie that I know that he wouldn’t want me to be. He’d be very upset about it. We’d argue.
Partlie, it’s because it’s hard to think about. What makes one human being such a big part of your life? Is it the way they part their hair? (It’s this big swoopie thing that goes to the right) Or the way they play Catch Phrase? (reallie slowlie) Is it the way they hug you like each hug is precious? (not crushing your bones, but so so tight)
You don’t know. You can’t know, each little thing they do that makes them hold such a big part of your heart. But I love my Grandpop. He was all the things you want a Grandpop to be, and he was those things effortlesslie. He was loving and kind and strong and smart. And if you never met him you think I’m exaggerating and that’s fine, because he wouldn’t have been thrilled about the compliments either.
But if you met him… well you’d be a luckie person.
When someone dies you think of all the ways you knew them in. And I’ve been thinking about the question I’ve relentlesslie asked him, “Are you happie?”
“No. I’m content.”
My grandfather made the argument that if you were never happie then you could never be sad. I of course refuted this. You could not help but be happie and if a part of happiness was that you then had to be sad then it was worth it, but I also argued that sadness wasn’t a guaranteed part of happiness.
Today I am willing to concede that sadness may occasionallie be part of happiness, because how on earth could I miss a man who had not made me laugh like he did? How could I shed a tear over someone who never made me feel loved like that? He taught me so much that I can’t even separate those parts he gave me from parts I made myself.
He made life better by being who he was. He made life joyful by doing the things he thought were important. He said that happiness wasn’t important, but he brought happiness to all the people he knew. I miss him.
And to feel sad at the lack… it’s worth it. And Grandpa, I say you were happy (properly spelled just for you). I say you were happy, not just content. And sadly, this is one time you won’t fight me on it.
I love you.
P.S. I can still say all the presidents in order.