I once had a friend who wrote a note about settling. And I knew the moment I read it that I never wanted to settle. And now I’m older and I don’t know what it means any more with respect to relationships. I’m going to use someone else’s relationship as an example, because it’s easier.
I know a couple that has been together for years, and although they aren’t married they are both heading prettie firmly in that direction. And I’ve seen her do nice things for him. Make him snacks while he and his friends are playing video games. Clean up some of his messes. And people will give her a hard time… but her response it was the right one.
“There are things he does for me. Maybe you don’t see them, but I do.”
And of course I’m paraphrasing, but it’s so close to the original that you’d never know.
So she’s settling… and it’s not for second best, because this is the person she’s chosen. But no true love in the movies ever involved dirty dishes. Love in movies is easie. It doesn’t involve compromise anywhere. I used to look at weddings and wonder how they happened. A wedding takes a lot of planning. And maybe that’s on purpose… you make something hard enough and people won’t do it unless someone is really important to them.
Still people get divorced… quite often, so maybe a wedding isn’t complicated enough. But the complication of a wedding isn’t the hardest part. You have to feel grown up to do it. You have to feel like you want this life where you marry this person that once upon a time you were crazie about and accept the fact that one day you might get annoyed at all the things you used to love. That if he only makes you angry 20% of the time now, that someday it might be 80%.
Everyone watches their parents together and says that they’re going to do it differentlie, or if their parents are luckie people, exactlie the same, but either way your parents are your role model for love. And the thing about my parents is I was never not sure they love each other. I believe they do, but I also know that they can hardly spend time together without one or the other getting extremelie pissed. I want the love without the anger and I dont know that I can do it.
I’ve been in maybe four long term relationships and in only one of them did I feel like he loved me more than I loved him. And I’m prettie sure that that’s the main reason it didn’t last very long. And in all the others I was certain that I loved them more than they loved me, and the thing is, I’m prettie sure that this is the reason that those didn’t last either.
And I know that it is impossible to demonstrate to anybody that you love them exactlie as much as they love you, because people love people in different ways. I KNOW this, but somewhere inside myself I just cannot accept it. And so I get annoyed, and dissappointed and feel let down. And often there is no basis for these feelings, and when there is, it’s too late you’re the girl who cried, “You never do anything for me.” one to many times. No one wants to be in a relationship like that.
And I find it odd, but I wish I could settle, because it doesn’t mean for second best anymore. I just want to settle for the person I’ve chosen without freaking out and losing my mind at least once a week. Maybe someday I’ll be able to do that.