Usually I’m hiding.  There’s words I’m not saying.  Things that I mean that I know I’m not conveying.  And there’s you.

You knew everything I meant.  I said everything I always wanted to.  I tried… I tried hard.  Maybe too hard.  And sometimes I’m still sad.  Because it could have worked.  It might have been good.  But not because you’re gone.  I don’t care if you’re happy or sad… I know those words are inaccurate.  I know that weather or not I care, your mood won’t change.  I’m not bothered by your failures anymore.  And those words I mean.  You’ve screwed up in life.  I know you know that. I always knew it too, but I excused it.  I forgave.  I don’t have to anymore.  There was never anything to forgive.  Your life is your own.

I’m not hiding anymore.  I love you.  That used to mean I’d do anything for you.  Now it means, I miss you mostly.  It means I’ll always miss you.  I’m not happy that I love you, but it doesn’t make me angry anymore.  I can have a life without you in it that is full and complete and joyful.  I always could, but I never used to want one.  Now I do.

I still want you.  In that same desperate and primal way.  I know that if you materialized here right now, it might happen just like it always used to.  But now there’s a chance that it won’t.  That my future might matter more than you.  And I’m exploring that.  Like you might explore a maze.  Carefully, slowly, but finding new things everyday.  And maybe my mind will change, and maybe yours will too, but I’ve always said I’m not the kind of girl that waits around for a guy… the thing is, I’ve waited for you for seven years.  

I’m tired, I’m lonely, and you’re still not here.  So in all fairness, I geuss I can say you’ve had your chance, even if I never got mine.  I geuss I’ve finally stopped believing in next time.


About SleepieBear

Opinions are my own. Facts are poorly checked. (Unless cited.) Use your brains.
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