There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted.
~ James Branch Cabell
It’s been one full day. Not terribly impressive, but last night was the first time in three years that I got drunk without calling you. go me.
The satisfactions there I geuss, but I’d trade it all to have you here. I geuss the thing that keeps me strong is the futileness of it all. We can act like we’re in control of ourselves, like there’s nothing we can’t do, and maybe that’s true, but you have to remember the cost.
One day you’ll call and ask me to come. I could be proud and angry, or I could go. If I’m proud and angry I’ll feel better for all of a day. I’ll have been right, but I"ll regret it. Somethings are more important than being right.
I can pretend that I’ll never talk to you again. And you can pretend that I don’t matter, but you’re wrong. There’s too much there to be denied. So I"m ok now. I guess alot of the insecurity is gone. So is alot of the hope, though, too. I miss it a little. I always thought we had a shot, but I know that was naive. So we might have something, it might even be special, but it’s not everything, not to either of us. The thing is, maybe it’s just enough.
You asked if I ever watched Star Trek. You asked what people did when they were told that resistance is futile.
They resisted even harder. Let’s try for two weeks this time.