An Epistolary Novel

It’s a book that’s written by a series of letters, or diary entries or newspaper articles.  I’ve read a few in my life, but I’d have to say that my favorite has been "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"  And it’s not because I can relate, although I can, but it’s because I have also written letters that were more for me than for them.  And it’s easy to tell a friend things that are important, even if those letters never get mailed.

I had a friend that I used to write everything to.  Even if I knew that they would never read it.  Even if it didn’t have their name on it.  It was for them to read and understand, because they would.  It’s the writing that is important.  It’s hard to always make the words form the pictures you need, but you’ve got to try. 

Once I copied the first letter from that book onto a piece of paper.  I made a few changes, but mostly it was the same letter.  And I put it inside the book and I mailed it to a friend.  That friend never read the book.  I have another copy now and I still think of them when I see it, but it odd to know that they’ve never read it.  So many important things in your life get written down in other people’s words.  You could try your whole life and you might never get the right words, but you know when you do.  And the words are important.

I think people forget that a lot.  They think that saying sorry isn’t as important as being sorry and they’re sort of right.  If you apologize for something but keep doing it, nothing will ever change.  But if you do change and you don’t say that you’re sorry it’s still very hard for people to accept the change.  It’s like saying I love you.  People tend not to say I love you, not when they really mean it.  Because they claim that the person knows.  And maybe they do, but the words are important.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

There are good parts in life when you get what you want, because you’ve worked hard towards a goal for weeks or months or years, and there are good moments in life when you get what you want because of luck or faith or god if you believe in that sort of thing.  And there are times when you don’t get what you want, and maybe it’s because of fate or luck or god, but maybe it’s because you didn’t work at it.  Because you didn’t try enough or care enough in the right way.  Maybe you didn’t understand what it is that you wanted.

The thing is I know what I want from my life.  And I know now that I might never get it.  And that even working towards it everyday might not help me.  And that could scare me, or make me sad.  And maybe somewhere, where I’m too scared to admit that I might want something that badly, I feel all those things.  But maybe I just feel hopeful. 

I used to believe that if you didn’t try then you couldn’t fail.  If you never committed to anything, never really wanted anything then you couldn’t be let down, you couldn’t lose.  But you can lose.  You can lose even things that you pretend aren’t important.  And it does hurt, even if your pride won’t let you admit it.  I think the important thing is then that you try.  If all you’re gauranteed in life is the pursuit of happiness, then shouldn’t you chase it down with your whole soul?




About SleepieBear

Opinions are my own. Facts are poorly checked. (Unless cited.) Use your brains.
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