If you wait long enough almost anything is probable. If you hang on long enough you can go just about anywhere. She was sitting in the back parking lot of the school district administration building.
Anywhere…that can be any place you can imagine, even if you’ve been there many times before.
She sat in the dark staring straight ahead at the sodium lights turning everything into black and white.
yes or no, right or wrong… it all seems so easy in this place at this time.
She knows he is watching her from the passenger seat. She can feel his eyes on her, just as she can always feel him. A constant presence, never to be admitted and never to be denied. It is her turn to speak, to say the words that have brought them hear and though she knows them by heart, has uttered them a hundred times and lived with them in her head nearly every day for five years, she cannot say them.
When she speaks it is not of the present, or of hopes and feelings or anything that might make all this real. She speaks of the past and how they have gotten here… to this parking lot, under this sodium light where everything is monochrome.
“This is their spot,” she says, “The place kept carefully between that which is precious and that which is disdained, between loving and loathing and caring and indifference. This is the place where everything hangs in the balance… between laughter and tears, between the truth and the lie, between now and forever.”
“This is their usual spot.”
He looks at her still. Waiting.
“I love you.” she says. I have loved you for a long time. She doesn’t say it, but he hears it just the same.
He doesn’t kiss her, or hold her hand. He doesn’t recline his seat or try to hold her. He gets out of the car and opens her door.
“Let me take you home.”
And she lets him. And as she lies in his bed next to him sleeping for the first time in her life. She thinks about how happy she is right now with his arms around her and his lips against her neck. And though the thought is there, she doesn’t dwell on it, or even acknowledge it, but in that part of ourselves where lies cannot be told she feels just how much worse it will be when he leaves.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering?