We stand in line at the Resistrar’s Office.
Had Design class today. Solid and Void… things you can’t go through and things that are empty. My math teacher sounds like Homestar Runner. And I love my classes even walking across class in the freezing cold isn’t so bad. I hate it here. Not the buildings or the food or even the people… but here. Ok I don’t hate here. I’d hate whereever I was. THe Ladie was right… I’m depressed. I wish I wasn’t cause it’ snot a barrel of laughs. And sometimes I feel good… happy… sometimes I can forget. BUt even one with such great powers of absentmindedness as mine has to remember sometime. And It kills me to remember. I wish that when you went to college. They let you start over. You forget everyone you used to know, except your parents, perhaps… and you move the hell on. Cause that’s what they tell you… move on… forget…
WHY DON”T YOU CARE??? i hate you so much sometimes… it’s kinda liberating to have your diary out here where everyone and your mother can read it. It’s also a bit troubling, because you know people won’t think so highly of you any more, but the funny thing is… I’ve ceased to care. I read in a book once where a woman killed a man, because he scorned her love. and sometimes… sometimes I know how she felt. I wanted to go running tongiht. YOu know the last time I went running? It was before I met you… Early in tenth grade… I used to go running, when I was lonely or scared or angry or sad or lost… I wanted to run tonight out of the dorm and down the hill and out into the trees to the lights I can see out my window. And i wanted to sit there in the quiet and scream.. just like I did before I met you. You were my rock. My anchor… You kept me steady. And I’ve got nothing now… I’ve got no sanity left. And you’re all i think about when I think now. It’s breaking me into little pieces. This is another reason I don’t believe you ever really loved me. Because there is no way you can feel like this and say nothing… NOTHING. Because I know you. When you want something you go after it… like you went after angie like you went after Jen, but you never really went after me… becaseu I wanted you. I went after you. It’s easy to believe looking back… I went to see you… every day… OUt in the cold we went fourwheeling and I got to hold you close… And We went for rides… and I didn’t have to run anymore. But I went after you… not the other way around. I should have realized that, should have seen it, but I ignored it, because I wanted you.
It’s not so bad here. I tlak to Chris and Scottish online alot… classes weren’t to bad. I fixed my schedule. I’m so lonely. It’s wierd. I’m surrounded by people and I’m all alone. I always was alone I suppose. A loner. DO you think anyone besides Ladie even notices I’m gone? It’s like when I used to think about crashing my car. You wonder who would be truly upset that you were gone… who would remember who would move on… He didn’t even call to say goodbye you know. My roomates making friends with the smokers outside the building, and while I don’t really mind having friends… I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort. It’s an investment you know. Your rimte, your money, your peace of mind, your soul and more often then not you get nothing in return. I wish he loved me still. How foolish is that? I tell myself all the time that I had my chance, that I’m ahppy for him, that i’m glad he doesn’t love me. And in ways I am. I did have a chance perhaps, though if he never really loved me then I never did have a chance. And I am happy because whatever I say I was never good enough for him and she is I hope. And I’m not glad he doesn’t love me… it kills me. It’s like everything that meant anything to me is dust. Like If you had spent three years of your life working for soemthing and in one instant the wind shifted and it idssappeared forever. and if you want it back you have to start all over except you already used all the materials and they’re gone you gave up the time and it’s gone and you can never get it back. It’s like giving up a piece of who you are. And in a sense I did. THere was no me without Jess… it was SaraandJess. Together and now it’s just me. Sara will paint the wave runners and strip off the pieces… sara will wire your washer lights… sara will pack and go off to school… alone. And he won’t even miss me because He’s happy. without me. I dont even know what to do. I want him. It’s stupid and wrong and bad in so many ways and I want him any way. I want him to love me like he said he did… forever and alwasy the way I have to love him… I want it back even the fights and the tars, because it was real and even the fights were ok because he stayed. He used to stay up late and fight with me because it was important and it mattered and now he just leaves… goes out to have fun and forgets and he can. He remembers everyhting I did wrong and I remember everyhting he did right. I wish you were real… you’d know waht to do. I’ve got a Hall meeting to go to tonight and I”m gonna get some popcorn. TTYL.