So I’m sitting here in my room talking to the moon. She’s a good friend, listens to you and doesn’t judge. And she’s always there for you even if you can’t see her. So I was talking to the moon… my favorite thing about talking to the moon is that I don’t actaully have to talk I just think and I look at the moon and since well I say she hears me. And So I was thinking to the moon tonight. How life never goes exactly right and just when you think you’re starting to figure it out or you do something right it goes wrong worse then it was to begin with. I was telling the moon I was lonely and I was glad she came to keep me company but the moon doesn’t really care about my problems so I understood when she dissappeared behind some clouds.
I’m supposed to pretend I’m happy and I haven’t been doing a very good job. I’m hiding… I went to Delaware all day with my mom and signed off line. Haven’t been on for more then an hour today… it isn’t helping… It’s one of those times when you wish you could crawl into bed and just never wake up. I don’t even have anyone to talk to about my problems cause no one cares and they are my problems and by definition all my fault. Still… it hurts knowing that your life is in shambles and not only is there nothing you can do about it, but it’s your fault it’s like it is. Maybe I’ll go watch When Harry Met Sally again, or read a book or lay in my bed wishing someone would come and hold me and say it’ll be ok… or call me up and tell me that I’ll be allright and it really isn’t so bad.
You ever really really hate someone and want to be with them so bad? It’s a very odd feeling… wanting to tear someone into a million little pieces and hurt them till they sob like a tiny child and all at the same time you want nothing more then to crawl up in their lap and hold them close forever and ever. It’s worse when you can’t do either of those things. To hurt someone they have to care about you and to hold someone they have to care about you. And yes I know you can read this and I’ve ceased to care… you stole my pride long ago. Sides to quote you, “I’m just saying what I think,” See the thing is I care what you think and you don’t care what I think or feel or anything so long as you can pretend that I’m still your friend. Like calling me today like you wanted to know if I was ok… really you just wanted to know if I blocked you… well I hadn’t and I still haven’t, though God knows why.
Went furniture shopping with the Ladie today… and I was ok for the most part… tired a bit because they didn’t let me sleep and we were just walking through the store she stops at a sofa to look at it and right across from the sofa is a bed. And sitting in the middle of that bed was two cartons of Chinese food open on a tray. The covers pulled back and I cried. I cried over two cartons of fake Chinese food. Pathetic isn’t it? Don’t deny it. I know it is. Every Audi I pass, and for some reason a camper pulled out in front of me today… it was a cream color with brown stripes… that boy in the Linkin Park T shirt, Aerosmith on the radio, Car movies on the TVs at Wal Mart… can’t you leave me in peace… I just want to hide away.
So to you… if you do read this, don’t reply. I don’t want to know and I’m sick of having to listen to you lie to me. I know I deserve it I know it’s only fair, but well… Just leave me in peace, alone, if that’s what you have to do. I’m sorry for being the way I am, but you know me better then anyone, even my own mother, so just this once can’t you do something special for ME? Let me forget you if I can… or at least let me forget the parts I want and don’t remind me. I understand you just want to tell the world how happy you are and I’m glad your happy. It’s all I ever wanted for you, but just let me be miserable in peace… don’t make it worse and don’t try to make it better. I won’t be online, just so you can be sure I haven’t blocked you. I’m gonna close my eyes, and I’m gonna fall asleep, cause I miss you babe, and I don’t want to miss a thing.