And I guess what makes it hard to talk about the sadness is partlie that I know that he wouldn’t want me to be.  He’d be very upset about it.  We’d argue. 

Partlie, it’s because it’s hard to think about.  What makes one human being such a big part of your life?  Is it the way they part their hair?  (It’s this big swoopie thing that goes to the right)  Or the way they play Catch Phrase?  (reallie slowlie)  Is it the way they hug you like each hug is precious?  (not crushing your bones, but so so tight)

You don’t know.  You can’t know, each little thing they do that makes them hold such a big part of your heart.  But I love my Grandpop.  He was all the things you want a Grandpop to be, and he was those things effortlesslie.  He was loving and kind and strong and smart.  And if you never met him you think I’m exaggerating and that’s fine, because he wouldn’t have been thrilled about the compliments either.  

But if you met him… well you’d be a luckie person.

When someone dies you think of all the ways you knew them in.  And I’ve been thinking about the question I’ve relentlesslie asked him, “Are you happie?”

“No.  I’m content.”

My grandfather made the argument that if you were never happie then you could never be sad.  I of course refuted this.  You could not help but be happie and if a part of happiness was that you then had to be sad then it was worth it, but I also argued that sadness wasn’t a guaranteed part of happiness.

Today I am willing to concede that sadness may occasionallie be part of happiness, because how on earth could I miss a man who had not made me laugh like he did?  How could I shed a tear over someone who never made me feel loved like that?  He taught me so much that I can’t even separate those parts he gave me from parts I made myself. 

He made life better by being who he was.  He made life joyful by doing the things he thought were important.  He said that happiness wasn’t important, but he brought happiness to all the people he knew.  I miss him.

And to feel sad at the lack… it’s worth it.  And Grandpa, I say you were happy (properly spelled just for you).   I say you were happy, not just content.  And sadly, this is one time you won’t fight me on it.

I love you.

P.S. I can still say all the presidents in order.

Doctor… we’re thinking of you.

But I had off last week.
You know how it goes… Anyway… I’m in love.

I mean, it’s beautiful… and fun and enormous. I was completing some of my miscellaneous quests and in the process managed to acquire twenty more. I can’t turn around without someone asking me to do something. It’s maddening and wonderful and awesome.

And giants. You want to hate them. They’re huge and they can kill you with one hit… but they aren’t hostile and they kill you in such a GREAT way!

I’m only at level 17 and haven’t moved too far in the main quest, but I could spend WEEKS (read months) playing this game. I’m doing other stuff like decorating for Christmas and what not, but I’m not reaie to talk about that.

I’m always ready to talk about Skyrim.

Also… posting this link which is awesome! and so true.

Here’s to Lydia!

So when I was younger I was in a club… not an actual club, but a group of friends who liked to pretend we were a club. Or maybe I just liked to pretend we were a club. I would take attendance. I made my own attendance sheet. The last month on it was Dec 1999, because to me at that time, that was as far as I could conceive. Time after that did not exist… and then one year I turned 15 and lo and behold it was the year 2000. And now it is easie for me to understand that one day I will be 30 or 50 or 65…

Ok, not actuallie easie, but I can do it with some preparation and a beer. And this is a big difference. I’ve always had trouble with time. When is now, what happened yesterday, where do you see yourself in five years… in ten years. These were impossible questions. Now…

Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2011 the day before Thanksgiving. I came home from work, slept, watched some how I met your mother and went out to dinner with Timmie and his ‘rents. I see my self in a house that I own, hopefullie with Timmie… maybe even doin’ the big M. Ok… ten is still prettie hard… in ten years I will be 36. That’s prettie old. And this starts to hit on my other stressor about getting older.

So we all have these preconceived notions of what it means to get older. You get a full time job you buy a house you get married you have kids and stay in on friday nights eating pizza and watching sitcoms. (I’m honestlie ok with the pizza and sitcoms bit. I’m prettie lazie)

I geuss I’m trying to talk about my stress over adulthood in a meaningful way and failing.
I pay my bills… mostlie on time. I work a full time job that I mostlie enjoy (although the repetitive nature of the job is, I’m sure, what gets people down in the long run). I’m in a relationship that I can see lasting for awhile. I’m in the process of trying to buy a house.

I geuss it still scared me though. I don’t feel old enough for all this. and the fear is where the stress is. So I geuss I’ve always wondered what my big fear is. And I think It’s being grown up. And so, in honor of th holiday season, and being grown up I’d like to bitch about the sappie song named in the blog title…

It’s all about peace and wars ending and only good things ever happening and much like the song where they wish it was Christmas everyday, it seems asinine. I love Christmas. I believe in Santa Clause, but you shouldn’t use your Christmas wishes for stupid things.

So MY grown up Christmas List…

A Down Payment (About 3 grand should do it)
A new transmission (some tires, and inspection, and an oil change while you’re at it)
Some one to figure out my retirement plan
A maid.
At least one weekend of sitting on the couch drinking beer, eating sushi and and watching How I Met Your Mother.

I think the things that people reallie want for Christmas are often quite expensive or not very tangible. That always makes things hard. And knowing what people want is hard too.

We’re taught not to be greedie and not to ask people for things and then every year a whole slew of people come to us and say… so what do you want?

I want a copie of The Phantom Tollbooth.
I want a a white Christmas.
I would reallie like for the people I love to get what they want.
What they reallie want. So take five minutes. Think about this… and send me an e-mail.

I am SO not kidding.

This was Techie Turkey Day…

On Saturday I woke up at 2:49 (there are things you don’t forget) and I did some stuff. Ate Q’Doba, went to Williams Sonoma. Drove out to Quarryville Library… rearranged some books. Went food shopping came home and went to work. I may have watched an episode of How I met your mother.

So I came home from work around 8 and I got in my PJs and lay down, and completelie failed to fall asleep. and it’s 0945… 1020… 1040… So I gave up and got up. Dried some dishes, made a pumpkin pie, chocolate chip cookies, cranberry cookies and helped make pie pops with Nikki. Tahra shows up somewhere in there and starts in on the turkey. It was pleasant. We had holiday tunes and a glass of wine.

People start shwoing up around five… I am collapsing both physicallie and mentallie by this point. But it’s nice anyhow. People are cheerful and Nikki is stressing quietlie in the kitchen. I’m trying to be cheerful and not look like I’ve had six shots… it’s not going convincinglie.

So things I remember about Sunday… people like things on sticks… even pie (possiblie, especiallie pie)… You can fit 24 people in our apartment… not comfortablie. You should not have a glass of wine when you have not slept in 24 hours… no matter how good of an idea it sounds like… Woody talks reallie good (Clearlie I don’t) he should get a job talking to people. He’d be rolling in it.

So I had this conversation with him about Treetrunks that I remember prettie well… but I’m going to tell in a different note because it’s something that I still want to think about more, but I reallie liked the idea and I’m glad he thought of it.

Around 2100 things started to wind down and I fell asleep on my favorite pillow a few times. Then I got dressed and went to work again.

At 0800 on Monday morning I arrived home and went to bed for 10 hours having been awake for 41 hours…

I don’t remember who said it, but it was…
totallie worth it.

And I’m thankful I’m a treetrunk is the cute and timelie answer, but reallie, what that boils down to is I’m thankful for you guys.

One of them is make lists. I reallie reallie like making lists. I think it stems from childhood. When I was in 2nd or 3rd grade I was diagnosed with ADD and they tried a bunch of different drugs… all of which I hated, but I also went to time management counseling.

I learned all sorts of coping strategies… which in the long run helped me a lot more, because (A) drugs are expensive and (B) I still hate all the drugs. One of the coping strategies was list making.

And it gives me a sense of accomplishment… a false one, but there none the less. I can sit down and make up a list of all the things I want to do and maybe I only ever do about three things on that list, but I can feel accomplished.

They also give me something to do when I’m TECHNICALLIE busie. Like now. If I used my Google calendar properlie it would schedule this time as “Busie”, but I’m not actuallie doing all that much. Similairlie tho, I can’t be doing anything else.

So I make lists of all the things I need to do, things I could be doing… should be doing, but am not. And it makes me feel better. Less stressed.

I’m one of those people who when something goes wrong, I don’t want platitudes, I want a plan. So when my life is filled with things to do I try to make a plan. These are things I NEED to do. Things I’d LIKE to do. Things that I’d do if I have free time.

Prioritize… I learned that in nursing school.

Now list making isn’t the only thing I like to do, but when I should be busie… it’s near the top of the list.

For instance, when I woke up it was Tuesday. When I got to work, still Tuesday. Now it is Wednesday… And it will be for another 21 hours.

So I finished “At Home”… Awesome. I’m going to reread A Brief History of Nearly Everything again.

I screwed up the gloves I made with my prettie yarn… So I’ve got to start again

Just working on scarves now… And my bottle cover still.

Techie Turkey is on Sunday… I’m gonna be pooped. Geuss I should start thawing the birds today or tomoro… Busie bee!

And a dentist appt… Eye doc too. Fun!

So anyway, I’m not special. I like my job because it is never ever dull… so parts of it are like giving report and charting… but most of it’s not. Also I wear my PJs to work (not my actual PJs because sleeping in those clothes would be gross gross gross, but I would wear scrubs to bed… and occasionallie do (other scrubs not ones I work in)). Oh, and they pay me. So not an angel.

And it bears saying that I’ve been watching Vlogbrothers videos alot recentlie… I’m finished now… until they post a new one, but for today, all done. So they talk about the specialness of people. Wheather it’s important that we’re special. Someone posted Hank’s quote about the world being less good without us in it. And I think that’s relevant…

But I geuss it just got me to thinking that we aren’t special, except in one very small and completelie non unique way and this has to do with The Fault In Our Stars, which I finallie pre-ordered (Thank you Nikki)… which is that we ARE headed for oblivion. There will be a day when no one remembers our name or what we did and even the things we did will be dust. And here we are doing them anyway.

I think that’s special. We still plan birthday parties and bridal showers and knit gloves and make paper christmas tree ornaments and spend our free time working for free for the momentarie magic of a play. We make Thanksgiving dinner and plans for the future.

And I think it’s because it is written on my book mark (I wrote it there), or because I’ve been looking at the quotes that others have chosen to remember that I’ve been thinking about this quote.

“I think that future deserves our faith.” John Green

And I geuss that’s enough… cause if I don’t go get dressed now I’ll be late for work.
But as a P.S. I think everyone who thinks about these sorts of things should read Small Gods. (Terry Pratchett)

So I just finished the January 19, 2011 video by Hank entitled You Are Wrong. And it reminds me of that Weird Al song that I used to love unreasonablie and sing far too often. It is the title of the post if you are wondering. And I am thinking about it because While both the video and the song make valid points. It’s hard to think like that.

The job I do make it not just unethical but illeagal for me to make value judgements about people while doing my job. But does this mean I don’t make value judgements? Of course not, that’d be absurd. Everyone makes value judgements.

This is my most frequent fight with Timmie actuallie who believes that it is immoral to hold opinions. (I don’t know if that’s how he’d phrase it, but I think it’s close.) So Timmie thinks it is impossible to ever have enough information to make a trulie informed opinion and therefore you should refrain from having an opinion (which I am always swift to point out, is, itself, an opinion). And he’s right and wrong all at once. Because he is correct with point A. You can’t ever have ALL the facts.

As John Green says so frequently and Hank talks about in the video “The truth resists simplicitie.” (He probablie spells simplicitie correctlie, but F that). You can’t know all the facts… it’s impossible, but this has never ever stopped anyone from having an opinion. (Timmie calls them feelings, in deference to his “feeling” that it’s wrong to have opinions)

But me? I’m an opinionated bitch. I will change my mind for facts, but they better be good facts and backed up by more sources than just I heard somewhere, but facts or no, I hold some very definate opinions on things.

I geuss where I agree with Timmie is that holding opinions becomes wrong when you say that other people’s opinions are therefore less valid. But that leaves you open to arguements that everyone’s opinion is equallie valid.

So you could argue that it was cool for Hitler to try an exterminate the Jews because he held the opinion that this made the world a better place…. and that’s where you run into problems. Clearlie not everyone’s opinion is equallie valid, but we decide that by having opinions of our own. Which we make without having all the facts, because you can’t have all the facts, but you need to make decisions in life and you usuallie need to do it with less than perfect knowledge.

Is it wrong?
I don’t know.

So I’m working nights. It’s not bad. I leave at 10 (2200… I find my life is easier to express in militarie time) or so and I’m home by 8 (still just 8) I’m asleep by 9 and up by 1500. (or there abouts… it’s not like I set an alarm) I think I like it. It’s only been three days and so far so good.

It’s easier, whatever most night shift nurses say. I realize that it could get busy fast, but there’s less meds, less hassle, less visitors… although some lady did call to ask about her mother in law at 0030… seemed a bit odd, but a nice enough lady…

I find I can no longer use ie to designate normal ladies, because it infringes on the honor of The Ladie, and bothers me (completelie off topic, I know.)

So I’m trying to expand my internet life… There’s this… which will need to be repurposed and kept upto date soon. Baking, Knitting, Nursing… and day sleeping of course. I started keeping up with my Twitter better (SleepieCloud if you weren’t aware) I assume that most people who read this have met me IRL and so don’t care about my Twitter (even though you should… jerks)

And then there’s In Stitches… my etsy shop… it’s going ok… but my list of projects I want to do grows ever longer and my time in which to complete them remains the same… or less if I’m trying to blog.

I started on a bottle cover for my water bottle… I like having water at work, but the only cups in the kitchen are weensy… so water bottle cover keeps water bottle cool and surrounding flood plains dry.

It’s made of the Bernat Soft Boucle in Brown… a very interesting texture… it doesn’t weave into stitches very well though because pulling on it makes it sad. I used a flat circle pattern from Alyoops and I think it worked well, although I’m curious to see what it would do when knitted from a yarn with more stitch definition.

I’m about a quarter of the way to the closing seam and still working on what my closures are going to be… I was originalie going to use rivets and lacing, but then I need backing material… So I’m trying to think of a closure that’s simple and easie to use, but still quite efficient… I keep coming up with zippers, but that involves sewing… buttons are bulkie and fall off easie…

Now Castle reruns with the kitties til Timmie gets home.